What's That Smell? or Why I Don't Like Elephants

WARNING: You are about to enter the dark places in Leah Land. Enter at your own risk. I take no responsibility for the judgement you may pass upon me. Just keep reminding yourself, without the dark, you cannot see the light.

written February 24, 2015

Isn’t it funny how we bullshit ourselves into thinking that “If I only knew WHY” or “If I only knew HOW” then I could do X, Y, or Z?

If I only knew WHY he left me, then I could understand and move on.

If I knew HOW to let go of my issues I would do it in a heartbeat.

If I knew WHY my marriage failed then I can keep it from happening again.

If I knew HOW to be successful then I would do whatever it takes.

Blah. Blah. Blah.
You can insert your own “Whys” and “Hows”.
It’s all bullshit. The knowing of the Why or the How isn’t going to get any of us anywhere.

I’ve been so fucking miserable lately. I’ve been the mayor of Funky Town and wallowing in self-pity. I kept telling myself, “I would do anything to know HOW to get out of this funk. To feel better. To feel like me again.”

What’s that smell you ask? THAT is the fragrance of self-created bullshit.

Here’s the deal. Yesterday, I had an epiphany and for the first time saw the very big elephant in the room that I was completely blind to. Thank you Alicia. And when I saw that very big elephant in the room I had the answer of “Why and How” and guess what? It didn’t make a difference. The knowing of it did not cure me of what ails me. The knowing of it, in fact, only made me feel worse. The knowing of it opened up the scab to a wound that I didn’t even know I had. The knowing of it made me realize that I am scared of elephants.

How Do You Eat An Elephant? One Bite At A Time.

The reality is that I was blind to that big freaking elephant because I did not want to see it. But now the seeing of it cannot be undone. And let me tell you, now that I have seen it, I certainly do not want to eat it.

But now that you KNOW you can do something about it!

That is true. But doing something about it means that I will have to face my fears.
Doing something about it means that I have to DO SOMETHING.
Doing something about it means I have to re-write my story, or throw it away all together.
Doing something about it means I have to recreate myself. Rediscover myself. Let go of my issues.
Doing something about it means I have to replace my tightly held identity of being a victim with that of being a survior.
Doing something about it means I have to give myself the peace that I so desperatley proclaim that I want.
Doing something about it means work. The kind of deep, painful and uncomfortable work that I do my best to avoid – so much so that I created a blind spot for that elephant to stand in.

I think it is the doing something about it part that allows us to create the construct of if I only knew “How” or “Why”. It is the excuse we use to hold onto (or fail to see) our issues. We don’t want to DO something about it. We say we do. But really, we don’t. If we did, we would have.

So now I know a few things:

WHAT my issue is.
HOW to fix it.
WHY I don’t want to.
WHO I am being by holding on to it.

Does the knowing of these things make the issue go away. No. It does not.

The knowing of these things makes me realize that if I really want what I say I want (which is peace for myself) then I MUST do what is necessary (and more importantly, WANT to do it.)

So what happens now? Do I tell myself, “I should do this” or “I should do that”?

Nah. It’s time I stopped “should-ing” all over myself.

It is time to face that elephant, fork in hand, and start eating it, one bite at a time.

That is all.