The War Within: Peace Negotiations

Self-forgiveness doesn’t have to be complicated. Just honest.

Dear Me,

I am so sorry.
I am soo sorry for letting you down. For all the missed opportunities and the chances you didn’t take and the things you said that you wished you hadn’t and the fact that I let you believe that life was supposed to be some sort of fucking challenge that you had to prove yourself at and that I kept whispering in your ear while you fought the good fight, “You don’t deserve it. You aren’t good enough. You are meant to suffer. Nothing will be easy.” I am so sorry I did that to you.

I am sorry for all the sleepless nights spent punishing yourself and rehashing all the “what if’s” and “should haves” and just suffering and feeling like there was nothing worth getting up for the next day and no reason to care for yourself at night.

I am sorry that I allowed you to be a disappointment to yourself. That I encouraged you not to fly too high, lest your wings melt and you plummet to the earth. I am sorry that I let you misdirect your anger and disappointment and hurts and lay them at the feet of others instead of allowing you to love and care for yourself and just be and live and forgive.

I am sorry that I planted the idea in your head, “I’ll show them. They’ll be sorry.”

I am so so very sorry for letting you believe with ever fiber of your being that…

You were alone.
You were misunderstood
You were unworthy
You were un-loveable
You were meant to suffer and struggle.

I am sorry that I encouraged to hide yourself form the world. To hide behind blame and suffering and shame and guilt and anger and never really let others see how radiant you really are.

I never whispered in your ear…

“it’s okay. I’ve got you.”

“enjoy the moment – dance and sing and be loud and play”

“don’t be afraid of creating – it is your truth and nothing to be ashamed of”

“take care of yourself. love yourself. appreciate yourself. accept yourself….. I do.”

I am sorry.

I am sorry for all the hateful, unloving, demoralizing, abusive, ugly, and negative things I repeated to you over and over and over and over again. I am sorry that those whispers became so integrated within yourself that you believed them. That I made you forget all the lovely and wonderful and beautiful things about yourself. That I had you so preoccupied with fighting the world, trying to prove yourself, believing that “good was good enough” that you left the best parts of you behind, or buried, or unrecognized, or folded away and tucked into a drawer.
I am sorry that I allowed you to feel ashamed of being proud of yourself. That I didn’t stand up for you. That I didn’t love you. That I neglected you. That I didn’t do with you the things you wanted to do and instead encouraged you to stay home – safe in the comfortable jail I helped you create.

I am sorry that I thwarted your hearts deepest desires with fear disguised as logic. I am sorry for everything I talked you out of…and everything I talked you into that did not serve you.

I am sorry that I could not see what was right in front of me – a beautiful person full of love and light and energy and excitement.

I am sorry that I kept you from having adventures.

I am sorry that I allowed you keep asking yourself, “What is wrong with me?”

I am sorry I prevented you from believing that you could have more. Have better. Have your heart’s desire and that I wouldn’t let anyone make you feel guilty for it.

I am sorry.

I want to work with you – not against you. I am here to help you create your dreams and keep you safe and loved. I want you to be happy. I want the suffering to end and be transformed into the love and hope and optimism that fuels your ability to shine in this world.

I took away your sparkle. For that I can never apologize enough. But I am here now and will do everything in my power to let you shine and shine and shine and shine.

Because, I love you and I’m sorry I never told you that enough.