I thought I had figured out why I don’t like elephants BUT, I was wrong.
It happens people, life is a process.
I don’t know abut you, but I create my own issues and then logically try to solve them.
“The Plan” doesn’t work out.
Then I believe I suck and get all miserable about it.
I’m calling it…
The Self-Created Bullshit Cycle
Say you want to get 8 hours of sleep every night (or to exercise more, or eat better, or get a raise, or buy a new house, or save money, or be a better parent, or student, or whatever).
We tend to think like this:
(having a discussion inside our head)
Voice of Desire: “I wanna get 8 hours of sleep every night.”
Voice of Logic: “You are right. You need 8 hours of sleep. It is good for you. You will have more energy. You won’t feel run down. You can get more done. You’ll have a better attitude.”
Voice of Desire: “I know, I know. But I’ve tried everything and nothing seems to work. I’ve tried all the suggestions we’ve thought of…setting up a bedtime routine, drinking chamomile tea, meditation, melatonin, etc. NOTHING ever works! I want this sooo bad and I know I need it, but I can’t seem to make it happen. No matter what I do or how hard I try, I just can’t get 8 hours of sleep at night.”
(BTW, notice that smell? That’s the odor of self-created bullshit.)
Voice of Logic: “Okay, here’s what we are going to do. You are going to write down a schedule of what time you are going to go to bed, what your bed time routine is going to be and you are going to do it everyday and we are going to get this done.”
Voice of Desire: “I can do that! That actually sounds like a good plan.”
Voice of Logic: “Awesome. Problem solved.”
And you write it down and you try it for a few days and you end up right back where you started, NOT getting enough sleep, and the process starts all over. You whine and berate yourself. You wallow in your own BS about how you’ve tried EVERYTHING and…
“See? Nothing works! What is wrong with me? Why can’t I do this? Other people can do it? What the hell?”
Your “Voice of Logic” comes right back into the picture and this time suggests “Talk to your doctor, take a sleep aid, get a massage, etc.”
Sounds reasonable AND logical, so you try, and it doesn’t work and you are back to repeating the Self-Created Bullshit Cycle.
Well folks, there is nothing wrong with you OR me. We are just doing what we think should work. After all, it makes logical sense. Clearly there is a disconnect somewhere out there. We try and struggle, but it’s wasted energy. We spin our wheels in the muck of BS and then wonder why life stinks.
Self-Created Bullshit Cycle
- Wanting something
- Creating a plan
- Plan doesn’t work out (or is never executed)
- Whining about how hard it is (and how unmotivated you are)
- Whining about how you’ve tried everything
- Feeling frustrated and awful about yourself because the plan failed (and now you feel like a failure)
- Then trying to logically figure it out again
- Rinse and repeat
How Do You Eat An Elephant? One Bite At A Time
The easy way to eat that elephant and get what you want is simple in concept and it boils down to one word: LOVE
Get the fuck out of here! That sounds like some “New Age Bullshit”. I’ll keep my logic, thank you very much. Humph.
(By the way, you just Logic Blocked yourself – just sayin’)
Listen, you’ve already tried everything else, right?
You’ve exhausted your brain and body trying to figure out how to get what you want.
Sooooo, I’m saying, let’s try something NEW and DIFFERENT.
Couldn’t hurt and it just might work.
Change The Conversation
What if we chose to have the conversations in our head about the things we desire with the Voice of Love instead of the Voice of Logic?
Perhaps the conversation above would go something like this:
Voice of Desire: “I wanna get 8 hours of sleep every night. I’ve been so tired and drained. It’s really taking a toll on me.”
Voice of Love: “You have been really tired lately. I care about you and I want you to be well rested and feeling your best too. ”
Voice of Desire: “I know, I know. But I’ve tried everything and nothing seems to work. I’ve tried all these suggestions from setting up a bedtime routine, drinking chamomile tea, meditation, melatonin, etc. and NOTHING ever works! I want this sooo badly and I know I need it, but I can’t seem to make it happen. No matter what I do or how hard I try, I just can’t get 8 hours of sleep at night.”
Voice of Love: “It’s okay. Don’t beat yourself up over it. You tried and that is awesome. I am going to take care of you. I am going to show you how loved you are by putting you to bed on time and making sure you get 8 hours of sleep. I want you to be happy.”
Voice of Desire: “Really? You think I can do it?”
Voice of Love: “Of course you can! You are so dear to me, I will do what ever it takes to make sure you get the rest you need. THAT is how much I love you.”
Voice of Logic: “You guys sound like idiots. What the fuck are ya’ll even talking about? HOW is THAT going to solve the problem?”
(in unison) Voice of Desire & Voice of Love: “SHUT-UPPPPP!!!!!!!”
And now you feel really weird. WHO talks to themselves like this?
But let’s say every time you think about getting 8 hours of sleep you choose to talk to the Voice of Love instead of the Voice of Logic and it gets less weird and more natural…and somehow you realize that it’s 10:00 p.m. and you are already in bed and well on your way to 8 hours of sleep. Or maybe you wake up really refreshed and realize, “Hey, I’ve been getting 8 hours of sleep. Whoa. That was really EASY. Why did I think it was so hard?”
Now please don’t misunderstand, we need the Voice of Logic, it’s just that we’ve become so used to ONLY consulting the Voice of Logic that we don’t hear or consult with any other part of ourselves.
I know to some of you that this all sounds like the biggest bunch of hooey ever to come down the pipe. And that is okay.
Logically, anyone could see why you’d make that assessment. But what about the rest of you?
Wouldn’t it be nice to replace the broken cycle of self-criticism and self-defeating patters with a new voice?
Wouldn’t it be nice to hear your biggest cheerleader inside your head instead of your biggest critic?
Wouldn’t it be nice to treat yourself with the same love and attention that you treat the ones you love?
Think about that one for a sec.
Wouldn’t it be nice to treat yourself with the same love and attention that you treat the ones you love?
In the real world, would you be friends with the voice in your head?
Me neither.
Now that you’ve warmed up to the idea…
HOW do you do this (and not feel like a total goober/pussy/needy-bitch)?
First, ask yourself, “If my friend asked to me to help them, would I think they were a goober/pussy/needy-bitch?”
Of course you wouldn’t, so stop doing it to yourself. Let THAT part go. Right now.
Start Using Loving Language
You can jump right in and start using loving language with yourself (like above), but if this doesn’t feel natural, you might find it useful to think of yourself as a small child.
Talk to yourself with the same love and patience that you would use when speaking to a small child.
Care for yourself in the way that you would care for a 4-year old.
You wouldn’t tell a small child they were a needy pussy if they asked for your help.
You wouldn’t keep a small child up late and exhausted.
You would make sure a small child gets sunshine, fresh air, exercise and good food.
You would comfort them when they are scared and reassure them.
You’d give that child love and you’d never think twice about it.
Well, what if you did that for YOU?
If that feels weird…
…then think of yourself as your best friend.
Talk to yourself and do the things for yourself that you would do for your best friend.
I don’t know about you, but I’d go to the ends of the earth for my BFF.
I would dig as deep within myself as I needed to find love, compassion, patience or any other resource she needed.
I will always be there to pick her up when she’s down and give her the support she needs.
What if you did that for YOURSELF?
Still feels weird…
Try to think of yourself as the person you love most in the world.
There would be no limits to the kind words, compassion, understanding and deeds you would perform to care for the person you loved most in the world.
By definition, because you love them the most, you treat them with the most love, the most compassion, the most understanding, the most patience, and the most thoughtfulness.
What if you treated YOURSELF like the person you loved most?
Even logically, you can see that by treating and thinking about yourself with LOVE there isn’t anything you wouldn’t do for you. And that includes, getting a good nights rest, going to the gym, asking for that raise, starting that business you’ve been dreaming of, counting to 10 before you start yelling at the kids for disobeying for the 100th time, planning that vacation, going on that date night, seeing that concert, getting your bills paid on time, creating a retirement plan, buying that house, starting that hobby, leaving that toxic friendship or relationship, quitting your dead-end job, volunteering your time and helping others, joining a support group, taking dance lessons, setting boundaries, saying “no” (and not feeling guilty about it), writing that book, eating better, writing your congressman, loosing that weight, go back to school…
…the list is infinite because there isn’t anything you wouldn’t do for you.
And the “doing” of it becomes full of energy and much easier.
The concept is simple.
The implementation can be awkward at first, foreign or even weird.
Just try it.
Be mindful of your thoughts and when the Voice of Logic, Criticism, Self-Doubt, Frustration, (or any of their friends appear), invite the Voice of Love to chime in and speak up.
Listen to what the Voice of Love has to say.
You might be surprised at how simple things start to become and that you find yourself feeling very empowered, action oriented and most of all LOVED.
Oh yeah, and that fucking elephant? Gone in one loving bite.