You are meant to shine.
In the darkest hours of your deepest pain those four words seem like a cruel lie and an intangible possibility that your broken heart cannot feel and your weary hands cannot grasp. You are not alone in feeling this way.
We have all suffered.
We have all known pain. We have all had the very best parts of ourselves chewed up and spat out by the sharp teeth of anguish – Our hearts left shredded to meet the thin light dawn with starchy cheeks and red-rimmed eyes, utterly robbed of all the hope we ever possesed.
And some of us stay there – lost in a moment that was never meant to last forever.
Recovery can be difficult. Sometimes, we just don’t know how.
My journey has been anchored by a small group of shattered lives who have suffered as I had.
Though the verses are different, we are all part of the same painful song. {tweet this}
We were there for each other and I learned that not only was I not crazy, I was not alone. After a while, I went silent and spent several months in reflection. I devoured everything I could on how to regain my sense of self and move forward. I wanted to be healed from the damage of my toxic relationship with a clearer idea of who I am and ground that understanding in self-love and security – things that no one can ever take away, manipulate or hurt me with.
In fact, it that love of self, which is the seat of my power (yours too).
I’ve wrestled with fear.
Sang sad songs to it and took it on long dates filled with lonliness. Fear, I found, had become my greatest obstacle in having the life I wanted. And what I wanted was to be free of the misery.
Yet my mind and heart could not grant me that freedom. They clung to my insecurities and kept me stuck…not quite able to walk away…tethered to a sinking ship that was slowly taking me down with it.
I rescued a puppy. Out of necessity, I began walking my dog each morning. I invited a few friends to join me – then a few more. Soon, I found myself walking in the company of people who wanted me to be happy for several miles a day.
An awareness came into focus that I hadn’t even realized was hazy. I had become disconnected from my body.
My heart? My mind? My soul? We spent painful hours together. But, my body? It was something I was ignoring completely.
And yet, it was my body that saved me.
You see, even though I was no longer in a “relationship”, I was still sleeping with Him from time to time. Falling back into his arms to keep the wolves of fear and loneliness at bay. Besides, he owed me a tremendous amount of money, and I rationalized, by keeping myself in his life in this way, I would be sure to get it back. And that worked – I did get some back…almost half actually.
But at what cost?
Then it happened. I headed to his apartment for a late night liason. Our bodies were naked and entangled when suddenly I became aware of a violent sensation – It all happened at once and so fast that I didn’t have time to contemplate, just to act. My skin crawled, my muscles seized up, and every single cell in my body screamed out in unison, “NOOOO!!!!”
Body taking over, limbs moved and muscles did their work.I found myself standing in the bathroom getting dressed, not even sure how I got out of bed, but sure I had pushed him off of me saying something like, “I can’t do this.”
By the time I was clothed, he had relocated to the living room, sitting quietly on the couch and smoking a cigarette. I stood before him and quickly, yet purposefully grabbed my keys and purse off the coffee table. I leaned over and kissed the side of his cheek.
“I can’t do this anymore,” I said. “Our song is played out. There are no more notes. Thank you for everything we’ve shared and what you’ve taught me.” I pecked his cheek one last time and started down the stairs.
As I drove home a curious thing started to happen. I started to laugh. I started to giggle my mother fucking ass off. I laughed and laughed and laughed….and then I heard myself saying, “You are gong to be fine. You are going to be just fine.”
And I am.
The bond was broken.
And a new one was created…and it was created within me.
I have told you all of that to tell you this…
If you are having a hard time breaking free from whatever it is that ails you, then go and move your body.
Do it everyday.
Do it in a way that brings you peace (for me, that was walking in nature with friends.)
Bring your body back as a voting member in the board of directors of your life. Don’t just leave that shit up to your heart and your head. It’s “mind, body and soul” remember?
My body did what my heart and mind could not.
My body is what finally said, “ENOUGH!” and because I was in tune with my body again, I heard the message. In fact, I was powerless against it. My BODY finally fled the scene and my heart and mind followed.
Now I am free.
Now I am facing new challenges.
Challenges like finally putting myself “out there” and writing this blog.
Challenges like going by myself out of state to see an artist that I admire…JUST BECAUSE I WANT TO (I’m scared…but I’m going to do it anyway.)
Challenges like being alone and not being lonely.
Challenges like, going through my house and getting rid of everything that has served it’s purpose and releasing my past…so I can stop carrying it into my future.
Emotional baggage is stored in the objects inside our homes.
Those things are vessels that anchor us to a past that doesn’t serve our future. LET THEM GO.
Thank them for the memory, the service, the reminder, the purpose that they served – and then release. If an object you own does not give you complete and utter joy – then get rid of it. What purpose is it serving you? (Read Marie Kondo’s book about the the magical art of tidying) if you want to know more.
Learn to be your own source of happiness.
I promise, it IS possible
Books like You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay and Madly in Love with ME: The Daring Adventure of Becoming Your Own Best Friend as well as Susan Anderson’s The Journey from Abandonment to Healing and Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself will EMPOWER you when your moment of total freedom comes.
Journal.
Write down your thoughts and get them out. Fearlessly express the darkest and deepest parts of yourself and get to know WHO you are. Your relationship with yourself is the most important relationship you have.
Re-read that last sentence. Embrace it. Make love to it. Buy it a cheeseburger. Let it be your mantra:
My relationship with myself is the most important relationship that I have.
Keep asking yourself, “What do I want?”
Ask this question over and over and over again until you find your truth and that truth is so clear that you have no choice except to go after it – consequences be damned.
Everyday, wake up and ask yourself, “What do I want?” {tweet this}
Be clear.
Don’t settle for, “I dunno,” or “I know what I want, but I don’t know how to get it,” or “I can’t afford it,” or “I don’t have time.”
Those are excuses for inaction masking themselves as reason.
I call this a “logic block”. It’s like a cock-block, but for your soul.
Keep asking the question, “What do I want?” with fierce tenacity and don’t settle for less than the absolute truth when you answer.
This will take time. That is what the journal is for. Just keep asking.
After all, it’s the question that drives us.
And my Sweet Ones, MOVE
Start today.
Get your body going.
Let the sunshine on your skin.
Enjoy the sound of the wind in the trees.
Let the world reveal itself to you as the magical place that it is.
It’s just sitting there, waiting for you to discover it again.
This is NOT about exercise. This is about finding joy.
MOVE your body in a way that gives you joy.
What did you like to do as a kid? Swim? Ride a bike? Walk in the woods? Run? Hula-hoop? Roller skate? Jump rope?
Go do that.
Today.
You might even find yourself laughing.
Everything you need to be free is already inside you.
You already posses the power to create the exact life you want.
You might not believe it. It may feel like an impossibility. But it is true.
If you think that may be true for others, but not yourself, just take a deep breath and accept the fact that you are wrong.
It is true for you, too.
You are not cursed. You are not meant to live this way. You were not born to suffer (even if you were born into suffering).
YOU ARE MEANT TO SHINE
You already posses all you need to experience joy. It is there. NEVER DOUBT IT. It has been there all along.
I love you all.
Thank you for your friendship and support during the darkest time of my life. Thank you for letting me be there for you. Thank you for having the courage to share and open your hearts…after all…we have all been beaten down and one by one we will all stand up again.
xoxoxo